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Database Jokes!

Discussion in 'Coffee Corner' started by sameer, Nov 18, 2008.

  1. sameer

    sameer Forum Advisor

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    I have a collection of hundreds of jokes on various tech topics! I dugged out some on database! :D :D

    Top 10 Signs you are a DBA

    10 ...your closet is ordered by size, then colour, then style
    9 ...your first reaction to your kids credit card/phone bill is to ROLLBACK
    8 ...you spend your lunch break inventing new DBCC commands
    e.g. DBCC LOSE_DATA(‘annoying_user’) WITH NORECOVERY
    7 ...your partner asks you to figure out which kids want chocolate ice cream at the birthday party and you instantly start coding the query in SQL.
    6 ...you make a backup-copy of your ring binder, store it in the "offsite" shed and restore it twice a year to make sure it works
    5 ...you remove the cursor from your computer and use the keyboard because “cursors are the devils seed”
    4 ...when your partner asks you to tidy up you run a DBCC
    3 ...your grocery list is normalized.
    2 ...the high point of your day is killing an offending user process
    1 ...you debate adding an index or deleting a user for performance improvement.

    Top 10 Signs you hired the wrong SQL DBA

    10. They can’t understand why changing column names break the application
    9. Think performance tuning = buy better hardware
    8. Believe a Stored Procedure which compiles is production ready
    7. Forcefully argue that indexing every field in the databases is the best way to increase performance (right after buying better hardware)
    6. They prefix all stored procs with ‘sp_’ – so as to be consistent with the Microsoft naming convention
    5. Thinks 9 hours to copy one million records across databases is ‘good performance’
    4. Thinks a stored procedure is the best way to copy one million records across databases.
    3. Is convinced that the error generated by trying to insert a duplicate primary key value, is a bug in SQL
    2. Thinks adding a new column to a table is a four step process: create a new table, copy all the data over, drop the old table, and rename the new table.
    1. Believe that adding a foreign key constraint with the ‘Enforce Relationship’ checkbox unchecked is the best of both worlds, it defines relationships without having to deal with ‘those pesky constraint errors’ when modifying data.
  2. debasisdas

    debasisdas Active Member

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    Bangalore, India
    The first part is really very true .